Insight
On September 9, 2021, I experienced the equanimity factor, one of the Seven Factors of Enlightenment. The following week, I would experience the next significant stage of meditation—spontaneous insight into impermanence, suffering, and non-self.
On September 16, 2021, totally unanticipated, I suddenly became aware of my mind and the root of all my intentions, thoughts, feelings, perceptions, words, and bodily movements. The root of all these mental and physical activities was lust, hatred, and delusion.
My mind’s attention arose and passed away with hyper-awareness and lightning speed among objects at the six-sense doors. At the root of my mind, there were constant arising and passing away of lust, hatred, and delusion. I felt pressure in my head. I was dizzy and disoriented. At the same time, I was filled with revulsion toward my impermanent body and mind.
From the Buddha’s teaching, I had known intellectually that impermanence was suffering, but suddenly, on September 16, 2021, I saw and experienced the frightful aspect of impermanence. The sheer speed of my mind’s movement during this episode caused such pressure that I felt like my head would explode and I would lose my mind.
The worst part of this experience was that I could not slow down my mind’s movement. I realized I was only an ‘observer’ of my body and mind, which did not depend on any input or command from me. I was not in charge—finally, the understanding of the non-self sunk in.
Then, all of a sudden, my throat locked up, and I could not speak. I was forced to move my body very slowly and quietly. This was one freaky experience.
This strange state of no talking and moving slowly continued for five hours. During this time and afterward, my thoughts and actions flowed naturally into a state of equanimity, irrespective of my intentions. I could not think, speak, or act outside of equanimity, which was clearly now in charge of my body and mind.
After five hours of this strange experience, my throat continued to lock up, and I lost my voice with the slightest concentration of mind that same evening.
From that day on, whenever my mind tried to stray from equanimity to any degree, no matter how slight, I was forced to behave with equanimity whether I liked it or not; it was clear to me that I was not in charge of this body and mind.
Through the inversion of my perception, my mind underwent an incredible transformation. I understood the truth: my body and mind are impermanent, life is suffering, and I am not in charge of them. Therefore, they are not really mine. Now, my body and mind lived with constant equanimity and a thorough understanding of impermanence, suffering, and non-self.
I also noticed that my thoughts, which were rooted in lust, hatred, and delusion, decreased substantially right after this transformation. My range of feelings shrank. There was no more joy or despair. My emotions were flat, with no pleasure and no pain.
Instead of my lifelong attachment to thoughts, feelings, and perceptions rooted in lust, hatred, and delusion, I had those of loving-kindness, compassion, sympathetic joy, and equanimity.
'I Experienced Liberation and Nibbana' Page 85, Written by Nancy Acord